The Talk
by Renai-chan
Summary: Remus decides that Sirius should give the boys The Talk. Mainly an attempt at humor; some romance if you squint :D SBRL, Slight HPDM. Slight AU. M for mature language.


**Title: **The Talk  
**Author: **Renai-chan  
**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter does in no way belong to me nor do I claim in any way that it does. I am merely using the characters to fulfill my twisted imagination.  
**Genre:** Humor/Romance  
**Rating:** M  
**Pairings:** RLxSB, HPxDM  
**Summary:** Remus decides that Sirius should give the boys The Talk.  
**Authors' Notes:** A silly, crack-y little fic that I had to write to pull myself out of my stupid writer's block. I tried to make it funny; sadly I had a funny bone extraction a while ago so… there… :D  
**Warnings: **SLASH, MATURE LANGUAGE, REFERENCES TO GAY SEX.

**Enjoy!**

*****

"I refuse!"

"It has to be done!"

"Not by me, it doesn't!"

"Of course, by you. Who else is supposed to do it?"

"You? Molly? Dumbledore? Snape?! I don't give a flying fuck, but it's not going to be me!"

"Sirius," Remus growled warningly, his arms crossed over his chest and his mouth set into an extremely unnatural twist. He glared at the black-haired man across the kitchen and over the top of his glasses in what he hoped was enough of an incentive for Sirius to take the initiative. He, however, should have known better than to discount the fact that Sirius was as stubborn as hell, but he did and was faced with an equally hard glare as Sirius refused to give in.

"Remus," the animagus parroted, copying Remus's stance and frown. This prompted the werewolf to let out a yell and throw his arms up in frustration.

"I have _no_ idea why you're being so stubborn about this! I recall a time when you would have gladly relished giving James the same treatment," he pointed out.

"Of course, but that was _James_," Sirius shot back and rolled his eyes, as if his answer explained everything in the world.

"You're being unreasonable. There's no difference between telling James and this!"

"There's a huge difference!"

"Name one."

"It's _Harry_!" Remus rolled his eyes and growled menacingly once more.

"Just do it!"

"Why don't you?" Sirius pouted petulantly, prompting Remus to sigh and walk over. He cupped his lover's face with his hands and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"Because you're his godfather – No… Actually you're something of his father right now, not I," he explained, pressing his forehead against the pureblood's and wrapping his arms around his waist. "This is something a father does, and I am sure he would appreciate it a whole lot more if it came from you and not me. I think it would also further your relationship with him, wouldn't you like that?" They were silent for long moments before a sigh.

"He's fifteen. I'm sure he knows about this sort of thing…"

"He may, he may not. It's better to be safe than sorry right?"

"I don't even know how to begin…"

"I'll be there," Remus smiled softly, knowing he had won Sirius over. On his part, the ex-convict grumbled softly and allowed himself to be persuaded by his lover.

*****

"You didn't tell me _he_ would be here," Sirius pointed rudely toward the young boy seated beside Harry. Remus glared at him through his glasses but said nothing. The boy in question looked affronted at the offending digit shoved into his face and pushed it away with a sour expression.

"As if I would allow Harry to be here with you alone," came the aristocratic sneer.

"Draco," Harry sighed in resignation. He had debated the merits and demerits of bringing him along, but reasoned that it was better if Draco was always with him unless explicitly told not to, if only for the reason that Harry wanted him to be near. Right now, however, he was doubting that he had made the right decision.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius snarled at his nephew.

"Exactly what I intended it to mean," Draco sniffed in response, glaring at his uncle as he would Ron.

"I refuse to do this with him here," Sirius declared, glancing at Remus who was looking at him with disapproval.

"I thought we already discussed this?"

"Our discussion did not include him!" The older man's index finger was once again shoved in Draco's face, earning it a sharp thwack in reply. Sirius snarled at the blond while rubbing his wrist.

"Can we just _please_ get on with it? We have better things to do with our time than watch you bicker with everyone," Harry cut in, leveling a look at Sirius. Draco rolled his eyes at Sirius's behavior in a fashion that could only be interpreted as him saying '_idiot._' Sirius hUmphed and muttered a 'fine' before turning his back and visibly taking a deep breath. When he turned back to the three, a faint flush could be seen over his cheeks.

"So… erm… Just to be clear this was all Remus's idea, so… there…" he mumbled, glaring once more at his lover who was looking more amused by the second. Harry and Draco looked at each other with surprise etched on Harry's face and an eyebrow raised on Draco's. Sirius then took another deep breath and said, "Well, you've been together for quite some time, right?" He waited for a nod before continuing. "And have you… erm… you know? Been _together_?" He matched the question by awkwardly clasping his two hands together. The teenagers looked at him in confusion for a moment before looking at each other, Harry's eyes widening in horror. "I mean, not that I want any… details so to speak, but it's important—"

"The _Talk_? You're giving us the _Talk_?" Draco practically screeched. Whether it was of horror or amusement, Harry wasn't sure, but if the slowly widening lips on his face were any indication, he could guess fairly accurately. Sirius's eye twitched and he nodded very, very slowly.

"Yes," he managed to answer through grinding teeth. After no one had spoken for quite some time, he found it prudent to continue. "As I was saying, it's important to remember that no matter what kind of couple you are, that you must always be careful when having… sexual encounters with another person." Remus's lips quirked at the effort it had taken for Sirius to blurt out the word.

"Do we honestly need to do this?" Harry asked in a small voice, "I'm pretty sure Draco and I will manage to figure it out eventually."

"See, Remus?!" Sirius blurted out, seeing a chance for him to escape. "They'll figure it out _eventually_. We can do this again if they don't. _Eventually_." He tried what he called his 'puppy dog eyes' on his lover, but to no avail. Remus firmly shook his head and gestured for him to continue with the lecture. Sirius tried again. "But I'm sure Harry, as smart as he is, would manage to figure it out for the two of them, right?" He turned to Harry who was nodding vigorously in agreement. "We managed to figure it out on our own, don't you remember?" he wheedled.

"Yes, Sirius, I _remember_," Remus growled, crossing his arms over his chest, "And that is _precisely_ why you better get this done and right now." With a heavy, defeated sigh, Sirius turned to the table behind him and picked up two items that the teens hadn't noticed before. When Sirius had turned around to show it to them, Draco choked with laughter and Harry blushed bright red.

"Shut up," the animagus hissed at his nephew before taking another deep breath to muster up the will to continue. "So… erm… yeah… I'm assuming you won't need the… training for doing the conventional way of… doing… someone…" He gritted his teeth. "So let me skip ahead to… training you to do… well, each other…" At this, Draco laughed even harder. "Remus!" Sirius whinged, "He's messing up my concentration!"

"Then do it faster," Remus grinned, knowing perfectly well that he had injected a subtle innuendo in his words. A soft 'I'll do _you_ faster' registered before he heard Sirius continue.

"As I was once again _saying_—"

"Why in the _world_ are you holding a penis and… is that an _ass_? In front of my godson and yours, Black? Is this some strange sort of exhibitionist tendencies that you decided to experiment on?" came loud drawl from the doorway. Sirius's face flamed up in mortification as he saw Severus and Dumbledore standing in the doorway. The potions master looked utterly scandalized while Dumbledore's ever-present eye twinkling seemed to double in luminosity. The ex-convict's voice seemed to have escaped him as he gaped at the two.

"Sirius is just giving the boys a talk on safe sex, Severus. I am sure you agree that it is most necessary," Remus answered in his behalf. Harry seemed to want to sink into his chair while Draco couldn't control his snickering.

"Oh," was the response. After a moment of silence, Severus followed it up with, "Well? Let's hear it then."

"I did _not_ sign up for this, Remus! I _refuse_ to do this in front of _that_ dick!" Sirius practically yelled, gesturing at Severus with the penis in his hand. Severus quirked an eyebrow.

"Padfoot, you're already up there. They already know you're giving the talk. Might as well get it over with or else you'll be sleeping on the floor until you do," Remus glared at his lover while noting Severus and Dumbledore seating themselves by him. Sirius growled, barely suppressing the desire to stamp his foot.

"I better get a _spectacular_ blowjob after this," he barked before returning his gaze to the two boys. "Here we have—" he paused, considering the penis-thing in his hand, "What we shall from now on refer to as Snape's big nose."

"Sirius," Remus admonished with a frown.

"Fine, fine. This is a dick, this is an ass," the animagus lifted up each object as he spoke. Dumbledore let out a chuckle at the crudeness of language, but Sirius suddenly looked confused. He gestured between Harry and Draco. "Erm… which of you is the… you know?" He held up both objects. This time both boys' faces flamed splendidly.

"I—we—um…" Harry stuttered looking to Draco for support, but the pureblood looked equally lost.

"We haven't gotten to that point in our relationship where we would know for sure," he answered instead.

"Oh, well… That's okay, I guess… I—anyway… Erm…" Fucking hell, but Sirius had never been this ineloquent in his life! "The… um… dick goes into the… ah… ass. But I'm sure you could have figured that out easily… erm… Well… Before any se—penetration can occur, the… partner on the bottom," he gestured uselessly toward the fake ass in his hand, "should be… prepared for the… intrusion from the partner on the top." Severus's snort of laughter was _not_ helping; Sirius was _thiiiiiiiiis_ close to wringing his scrawny neck.

"How?" Harry quietly asked. Sirius turned to him to see the flush covering his face.

"Well… usually the fingers are used to… you know… stretch… it," Sirius eyed the ass critically. "Just put in one at a time so as not to hurt your partner. When you think he's sufficiently… stretched… just put your… thing in and, you know… enjoy." The room was silent. Then, in a remarkably cheery voice for someone who not a moment ago looked as if he wanted to sink into the floor, Sirius suddenly chirped, "Thank you for attending Padfoot's safe sex class. Be sure to _never_ come again." He was practically out the door before he felt a force dragging him back in.

"Thank you, Severus," Remus was heard to say before Sirius saw him glaring hard. "Do the damn thing properly, Sirius. I will not warn you again. This is for your godson's welfare! Are you not concerned about that?"

"No, really, Remus…" Harry protested weakly, "I think I got the gist of it. Thanks…"

"Harry, what Sirius discussed was _sex_. Not _safe_ sex. There's a huge difference."

"Did I hear something about safe sex?" piped a new voice from the doorway. Sirius groaned and turned to see Molly Weasley's back as she screamed at her children. "Fred! George! Ron! Ginny! Bring Hermione with you and come into the study!" The Weasley matriarch then entered the study herself and sat down beside Severus. "This is a good thing that you're doing Sirius, I think that all the children should be aware of this matter," she said pleasantly.

"I don't think I'm going to _do_ anything _good_ any time soon," Sirius grumbled under his breath, glaring at his innocent-looking fellow Marauder.

"Nonsense, Sirius. I have to evaluate your performance as a teacher and your expertise in the program afterwards after all, have I not?" Remus was looking distinctly amused. Severus was heard to snort.

"But Remmy!" the animagus wailed as the four Weasley children and Hermione took their seats beside Harry and Draco.

"What's going on?" Ron asked after scanning the room and noting the odd collection of people.

"Sirius is giving us The Talk," Harry whispered. Ron's face paled in horror and he stole a glance at Hermione who, despite a dusting of pink on her cheeks, looked more concerned than anything else.

"Do you think he's qualified to discuss this?" she asked the room in general.

"Miss Granger, if there's one thing that oaf knows more than how to be the bane of everyone's existence, it's having sex. I'm fairly sure he's 'qualified,'" Severus remarked, to everyone's surprise. He followed it up quickly, though. "And no, I do not consider that an achievement, so please do not take it for the compliment that it is _not_. Proceed, Black."

"Oh… right, yeah… But I don't think this lecture is applicable to all parties here…" he glanced at the fake ass.

"Not to worry, Sirius. I'm sure the young ladies and gentlemen here are aware that safe sex practices are highly similar in either case," Dumbledore supplied helpfully. Sirius wanted to strangle him for ridding him of another excuse.

"Err… okay… So as I was saying earlier… the bottom partner should be prepared. The best way is by using your… fingers…" Sirius set the fake dick down and held up the other. "To make the… process easier… we have a charm that will help. It cleans and lubricates the… passage. Repeat after me: _Expulsio lubrus_." He demonstrated the wand movement, which nobody copied. "Erm… right…" He repeated the charm on the fake rump. "Repeat the charm on the… intruder?" Sirius groaned softly, but performed the charm on his fingers nevertheless. "And then you simply put it in one at a time…" With his face burning in humiliation, he slipped one finger inside the fake ass and started sliding it slowly in and out.

"Why are you doing that?" Ron asked, feeling queasy as he did.

"So that your partner would get used to the… erm… sensation…"

"Doesn't it hurt?" asked Hermione.

Shut. Up.

This would be so much easier if people stopped asking so many goddamn questions! Sirius gritted his teeth and he continued his ministrations, feeling like a complete moron.

"No, as long as it's done slowly and steadily…" he explained, pumping his finger into the ass.

Seriously.

He was pumping his finger into a fake ass while people _watched_ him. _Avada Kedavra_ing himself seemed like the only viable and admittedly preferable solution to his predicament right about now. When no questions were raised after a few minutes, Sirius slipped in a second finger while avoiding the mixed looks from his audience. "It's best to add in a second finger and spread them apart. If necessary, you can add a third finger…" He did so while grabbing a condom off of the table behind him. "After you've decided or your partner has informed you that your preparation is sufficient, it is most advisable to cover your—"

"Dong?"

"Schlong?"

"Anaconda?"

"Winkie?"

"Monkey?"

"Tiddly—"

"Stop!" Sirius yelled, cutting off Fred and George's enthusiastic spouting of cock-related euphemisms. "As I was _saying_! Cover the… _intruder_ with a condom," the animagus groaned at his own euphemism but decided it was far better than those the twins 'suggested.'

"Why?" Ginny asked.

Argh!!!

"So as to prevent any unnecessary substances from entering Harry's—"

Holy…

He paused for a frightfully long while amidst unhelpful snickers from Severus's direction.

He did _not_ just say that.

When Fred and George's guffaws suddenly exploded and Harry's face paled and blushed alternately, he found solace by turning to the fake dick and starting to cover it with the condom, but the blasted thing refused to cooperate by slipping out of his hand time and again. He gave it a couple more goes before nearly screaming in frustration. Clearly, it didn't want to be encased.

"Here," Harry suddenly offered, grasping the base of the cock while looking away with a blush on his cheeks. Mortified at the strange position he and his godson were forced into, he stretched the condom in order to slip it more easily over the offending body part.

Or so he thought.

SNAP!

"Ow!"

Shit.

Damn.

Fucking hell!

_Kill me now. Just. KILL. Me, _Sirius looked skyward begging the heavens to open up and strike him with lighting.

"Bloody hell, Sirius!" Remus cried, one hand covering his injured eye. "You're acting like you've never done this before!"

"Not. HELPING. Remus," Sirius growled and grabbed another condom and successfully sheathing it on the dick. In the corner of his eye, he saw Molly fussing over his lover's injury. Sirius grasped his wand and muttered the lubricating charm one more.

"What's that for?"

_Oh for the love of God!_

"I discussed this earlier when I started fingering that… that… thing!" His hand quivered as he pointed at the fake ass, "I refuse to discuss it again." He grumbled under his breath slowly before lifting both objects up. "Take your penis and slowly insert it into the ass… or vagina," he added as an afterthought. Bright blushes covered the faces of his 'students' as well as his own. "It's important to do this very slowly so as not to hurt your partner."

"What if we want it rough?" Draco asked mockingly. Sirius shot him the evilest glare he could manage while holding sexual objects in both hands.

"Your partner will be the one to tell you how fast you should move. Just make sure not to cause any bleeding or tearing in his or her… bits and make sure not to tear the condom. Now, shut up and listen." Without further ado, he slowly pressed the cock into the ass and started pumping it. He made sure to keep his gaze far, far away from that of his students'.

"Isn't there a… um… spot?" Harry asked meekly.

_Oh for the love of Merlin!_

"Right… Just angle upwards slightly if your partner is on all fours or downwards if he's on his back…" Sirius demonstrated with his objects. "And then just continue doing so until you… finish…" The animagus dropped the objects and turned to the 'students.' "Any more questions?" he asked before suddenly regretting doing so. The youngest Weasley raised her hand hesitantly.

"What about… erm… oral sex?" Ginny asked.

"Oh for the love of—"

*****

_Cracky fic written in the space of an afternoon. Needed it to get over my writer's block._

_Reviewers are loved!_


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